How Do You Respond to a Reaction?
Do you know the difference between responding and reacting? If you have the experience of being a hot-head like me, you might not unless someone explains it to you.
American Heritage Dictionary's first definition of the word react is:
1. To act in response to or under the influence of a stimulus or prompting: reacted strongly to the sarcastic tone of the memorandum.
The same dictionary's first three definitions of the word respond are:
1. to reply or answer in words: to respond briefly to a question.
2. to make a return by some action as if in answer: to respond generously to a charity drive.
3. to react favorably.
Upon close observation you can tell a reaction involves little to no thought. Whereas a response not only appears to require thought, but, as seen in the third definition, it is a positive phenomenon in it's truest sense. That's not to say we allow people to use us as dumping grounds and stomp all over us. But what it does mean is we step back and see the grander picture before we shout, hit, kick, call names, sling insults, or worse. All of which are irrevocably strewn about, never to be erased again.
There are deadly and horrific forms of reactions we call domestic violence, child abuse and manslaughter. Each of which hold many underlying mental and emotional issues that would provoke a person to hurt or maim their own spouse or child, or worse, want to kill another human being. I simply am not equipped to touch on those causes or their effects. So for now, we are going to address the daily reactions and responses you may encounter and I hope by becoming more aware of the difference, you will be able to find more peace in your life.
The scenario.
You are driving to work. Late again. There's no time to stop for your favourite coffee you'll have to make do with what's at the office. Yuck. Check yourself in the mirror for the third time. How does your hair look? You barely had time to do anything with it. You hope no one notices. Make-up is pretty weak. That's OK, you think, you don't really like anyone at the office anyway. Did you get your purse? Yes, there it is. Mobile phone? Crap! You left it on the table.
A smoke-spewing clunker of a car pulls in front of you - specifically you, in your lane even though there are what appear to be twelve other open lanes next to you. "Are you kidding me?!?!" You start shouting, knowing they can't possibly hear you. You huff and puff throwing quite an impressive tantrum; one that would make any two-year old proud. You consider switching lanes. "No! I was here first!" So you drive as close as possible to their tailpipe, willing them to move. "How dare you! Who do you think you are? This is MY lane!"
This conniption of yours continues for three more kilometers... and the rusty car in front of you never changes lanes and never speeds up.
You decide you are going to show them. You have already shouted every name you can think at the car, cast every horrid spell you are aware of at this nameless person, and now you are going to do the unthinkable: you are going to drive by them and give them a dirty look. (Squeals of horror!) You are readying yourself as you prepare to pass. Rolling down the window - who cares about what's left of the hair style - keep somewhat of an eye on the road ahead - steady.... steady..... you can almost see who this audacious and barbaric lowlife is.......... Grandma?! Not just any grandma, it's YOUR grandma. The woman who quilted you your security blanket. The gentle soul who taught you your favourite lullaby. The sweet dear who makes you chocolate gravy as a legitimate breakfast food.
She doesn't even look over because she never noticed you in the first place. You don't recognise the car she is in, but you know it's her. In the passenger seat there is someone else's grandma. They are both chatting and, wait, are they singing? Smiling beautifully as she always does; she's just happy to be alive on this crisp morning.
You, on the other hand. You! You feel yourself sinking down through the seats, through the floorboard of the car, onto the road beneath you, wanting desperately to feel the bitumen scrape all your skin and muscles from the bone. You imagine it couldn't possibly feel any worse than the way you feel right now.
So. Let us look at the bigger picture. A car pulls in front of you while you are rushing to work. Because of your sense of entitlement your reaction is anger. With no thought, you act out of that infuriation by tailgating - putting yourself in danger; shouting everything you can think of - an incredibly useless waste of your energy; and raising your blood pressure and heart rate, and who knows what other biological reactions.
Let's look at what a response to the same scenario would look like. A car pulls in front of you while you are rushing to work. "Howdy," you joke as you carefully pull in to a lane next to you and drive on your way. You have expended no energy other than looking to see the next lane was clear and turning on your indicator. Boom. You are at work almost on time and your favourite coffee is sitting on your desk because a coworker had a feeling you would need it that morning.
This can all be taken to a much smaller scale as well. When someone who normally gets under your skin and ruins your entire day - or days, in the case of my mother - says something hurtful to you, instead of reacting with calling names or not saying anything (that's still a reaction), respond with the truth. Even if all you can say is, "That was inappropriate and uncalled for. I am not your punching bag or your punchline."
Start to take notice of how you act when you are hurt or stunned. Do you instantly react out of that pain? Do you strike out like a cornered cat? Or are you able to rise above, see the big picture and respond accordingly?
A part of seeing the bigger picture is realising that the person passing out the insults is acting out of pain and insecurity. If they *knew who they were* they would not feel threatened by you thus would not attempt to embarrass and cause pain.
And maybe, just maybe, the person who pulled out in front of you never noticed you in the first place. You have no idea what is going on in that person's head. And for all of your assuming they are out to get you, to ruin your day, why not assume they are having a bad day and didn't do it on purpose.
Just for today - for yourself - respond rather than react to something painful or irritating. Just once. See what happens.
~
Katie Dean
www.todayivow.com
